Eat
by santanasfinchel
Summary: Santana remembers the eating disorder that tore her world apart. Brittana.


**Author Note: Hi! Hope you like this fic. I tried to write the eating disorder parts as accurately as possible, but please let me know if there's anything you think is in-accurate. The first scene is from Asian F. In case it's confusing, the italics are flashbacks. **

'When am I supposed to eat?' Mercedes exclaims.

What a stupid question.

'When the rest of us do?' I say, rolling my eyes.

'Oh, like you eat!' Mercedes snaps at me.

I flinch at that.

_Eat._

My least favourite word. How many times have my parents yelled at me to eat? It was worse when I ate. When I ate, I had to get rid of the food from my body somehow. So I had to throw up..it was the only way. Sure, I felt like crap after, but that's the price you gotta pay for the title of 'hottest girl in school'...

Throwing up. That's how Britt found out about all this.

_I shudder and shake as I cough and retch. A mess of half-digested food is splattered in the toilet bowl, tinged with red. Tears stream down my face as my knees dig into the hard cold floor. Suddenly, I feel someone's presence behind me. Swinging round, I see her staring at me, tears forming in her eyes._

'_Britt-' I splutter. 'Brittany, go. Please, go.'_

_Biting her lip as tears start to roll down her pink cheeks, she swings round and hurries out of the bathroom. I hear the front door slam as she leaves the house._

_I collapse to the floor then, and sob. _

Brittany's looking me now, as if she's remembering the same day. She's biting her lip again, her eyes full of concern and worry.

_I wake up still on my bathroom floor...I guess I fell asleep while crying so much. The sick is still in the toilet bowl. I hurriedly flush it away, watching as it disappears round the bend. If only I could make yesterday disappear just as easily._

_I walk into the hallway and nearly step on a bouquet of flowers, abandoned on the carpet._

_I scoop them up and read the tag._

'_Just because I love you. – B'_

_I blink back tears and hug the flowers close to me. She'd come over to give me flowers, just to say she loved me. What did I do to deserve her in my life?_

She told my parents about it. What else was she supposed to do? She told them because she wanted to help me. I get that now.

'_You told them?!' I yell. I'm panicking now._

_She's staying calm._

'_I had to,' she says 'they had to know so they could help you.'_

'_How could you do this to me?!' I scream, my body shaking._

'_I did it to help you.'_

'_Help me? They think I'm insane now!'_

_She just looks at me then, with those big eyes. Deep inside, I know she's right. But right now i'm too angry to care. I shake my head at her._

'_Th-that's it.'_

'_That's what?' she whispers._

'_The end. The end of you and me. Whatever we are...I don't know. But I know it's over.'_

_I stumble over the words and regret them almost as soon as I've said them, but it's too late. Stealing one last look at her pink face, I race out of her room and leave her house._

I'm so lucky she forgave me for that. I was horrible to her.

My parents didn't know how to deal with me and my illness.

'_Tana, you've just got to eat,' Mom says as I stare blankly at the lasagne in front of me._

_I slowly shake my head._

'_Santana! Just eat!' she exclaims._

_I look up at her._

'_Mom, please, no' I whisper._

The same thing happened at almost every meal. I didn't want to eat. My mom didn't understand the pressure I was under – co-captain of the cheerleading squad, the 'hottest girl in school'. I had to stay that way. Not being thin was not an option. When I did cave in and eat, she would stand outside the bathroom for hours after we ate, until it was too late for me to get rid of the food from my body.

One day, I received an unexpected text from Brittany.

_MEET ME OUTSIDE IN 5 – B_

_I blink, reading the text again. I want to see her, I do...but what do I say? How do I apologise for the things I said? How do I tell her that I still do what she caught me doing? It's too difficult._

_My phone bleeps again._

_PLEASE. – B_

_I guess she really wants to see me._

_Sighing, I grab a comb and run it through my knotty hair, watching myself in the mirror. I don't look good. My skin has a strange yellow tint to it. I gasp as I glance at my collarbone, sticking out of my body, looking as though it could rip through my skin any minute. My face is shallow; I've lost those cute round cheeks Brittany once told me she loved. I wave a mascara wand over my lashes, but I look no better._

_It's been five minutes. I glance out of my bedroom window._

_She's there, sitting on the front lawn. She looks great; her long blonde hair swept into a high pony, dressed in cute shorts and white converse shoes. Her skin is glowing and even from a distance I can tell her eyes are bright._

I don't think I've ever felt more in love with Britt than when I saw her sitting in the grass. Seeing her pick daisies, smiling as she winds them into a chain. It was that moment that I decided I wanted to get better. Something about this sweet blonde girl just gave me hope. She made me feel like I wanted to be alive.

_I race out of my house, taking her my surprise as I leap into her arms. I cry then, harder than I've ever cried before. She rocks me back and forth, saying nothing._

_A couple of hours later, she gently lifts me up (she's strong – all that dance she does) and carries me to my house, into my room, and drops me gently on my bed. She lays down next to me and we both fall asleep, her arms wrapped around me._

I'm not better yet. It's still hard to eat. My body isn't used to normal portion sizes yet, but it's getting there. Sometimes, I do feel like I want to throw up. But I've got into the habit of calling Brittany when this happens. Just hearing her voice reminds me of why I want to be healthy, why I want to be alive.

Eat. It's amazing how that one little word brings back so many memories.

**Please review, they keep me writing!**


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